That's how 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand should begin. Not because Fiddy was ever ripped off during a gig in the Middle East and forced to lay waste to half the population of a fictional nation while hunting down a diamond-encrusted skull, but because it would be funny. Much of Blood on the Sand is utterly ridiculous -- explosions send bodies flying a hundred feet in the air and Fiddy waxes poetic with expletive-filled taunts while taking rocket-propelled grenades to the face. Surprisingly, Blood on the Sand ain't half-bad. But at times, it loses steam as developer Swordfish Studios runs short on ideas and Fiddy exhausts his use of the F-bomb.
With a licensed game like Blood on the Sand, the expectation is that the game is going to look bad and play worse. But this is a game backed by 50 Cent, so you know that quality is going to be a high priority (please disregard the existence of 50 Cent: Bulletproof). Though there are many visual shortcomings (mediocre animations, textures that forget to load in, Fiddy's wide-eyed gaze that makes him look perpetually terrified, an inconsistent framerate on PS3), this isn't a bad-looking game at all. The character models for Fiddy and crew are spot-on, there are some nice explosions and some of the environments look good. Of equal surprise is that 50 Cent delivers a commendable performance. It's amazing that he's able to tap into these emotions as if these true-life events had just occurred. "Eat s*** and die!" Shakespeare, thy work has been outdone.
Of course, Fiddy is famous for his music and for selling colored water to white people. Though there is no Vitamin Water edition of Blood on the Sand, Fiddy does manage to package in his other career as gangsta rapper. There are more than 40 songs in Blood on the Sand, 18 of which are originals too good to be included in any previous or future 50 Cent albums. Fiddy is not the greatest wordsmith, but the one thing going for him is that his tracks tend to have sick beats. And that makes for a perfect soundtrack for an over-the-top action game.
Also included are some old music videos for gamers who don't get MTV. These unlockable videos allow you to reminisce about better times, two years ago, when the crunk cup industry was flourishing.
On top of all this, Swordfish included a game!
Those who follow Fiddy as closely as we do at IGN know that his crew always has his back. And so it is in Blood on the Sand. Whether playing single-player or online two-player co-op, Fiddy goes to war backed by one of the three G-Unit members: Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo or DJ Whoo Kid. The choice you make doesn't affect gameplay -- as all are of equal skill -- but each G-Unit member provides full VO throughout, giving you some minor variety in the dialogue heard in-game. You can tell a lot about your friends based on who they pick. After all, if your buddy hops on and picks DJ Whoo Kid over Banks or Yayo, you know he's a wanksta.
The G-Unit artificial intelligence is actually better than your friend's superficial intelligence. Though the enemies aren't much of a challenge, you'll often find your crew assisting in taking them out -- or at least reminding you insistently to shoot some fools.
Blood on the Sand is a whole heck of a lot like SEGA's The Club with dashes of Epic's Gears of War sprinkled in for good measure. This is a stop-and-pop cover shooter with arcade flair. There's little if any challenge in slogging through the endless waves of enemies on your way to victory, but that's really not the point. After all, Fiddy is leading the charge, so victory is inevitable. The real challenge comes in racking up points to earn bronze, silver, and gold badges.
Each kill earns points, but there are numerous modifiers that shape the way you tackle combat. Wasting someone while out in the open, chaining kills, using indirect methods for mayhem (the red barrels are the ones that go boom!) and slinging taunts add bonuses to your score. There are also five posters and five hidden targets in each level, which can greatly boost your tally.
If Blood on the Sand has one thing going for it over other third-person shooters these days, it's the taunt button. Anytime, anywhere, anyhow -- just click in on the Left Thumbstick and Fiddy spouts some street wisdom. Fiddy and crew start with a limited number of slurs, but you can use the gold found in numerous nondescript crates (no banks in the Middle East?) to purchase even filthier taunts. These are hilarious, more so if you are playing when other people are within earshot. Alone, Fiddy's jabbering can get old quickly, but this is the type of game meant to be played around others. With some good company, you'll be laughing your ass off well into the night each time Fiddy tosses a grenade and shouts, "Surprise, bitches!"
But where Blood on the Sand truly excels -- and yes, this game is decent enough to be good at something -- is in its recurring in-game challenges. Throughout the campaign, you'll be given quick challenges to complete for bonus points and extra items. A challenge could be killing a trio of snipers on the roof in 30 seconds or smashing open crates to gather a few thousand in gold before time runs out. The challenges sometimes run almost on top of one another, but there could still be more. In fact, there needs to be more.
The enemy AI is not good. Let's be honest, if hired mercenaries were this stupid, the world's supply of crystal skulls would be safe. But the challenges keep Blood on the Sand from becoming monotonous. The times when BOTS starts to feel redundant are usually when there hasn't been a decent string of challenges in a while.
For all the good things BOTS manages, there are a lot of areas where it falls flat. It's as if Swordfish had one decent brainstorming session and then figured the rest would work itself out on its own. In an effort to vary the gameplay, there are two driving missions. The extra 20 minutes this adds to the gameplay experience isn't worth the years of joy it sucked from my life. In single-player, you have no choice but to drive while the AI has the fun of shooting things using a mounted turret. I realize that Fiddy has a thing against letting other people drive, but there's a point where you have to forego authenticity for better game design. And though Fiddy might want to drive off into the sunset, the climactic last mission shouldn't involve driving straight for five minutes to victory.
Worse, though, are the boss battles. There are four of these in the game. One can be won in five seconds. That's not an exaggeration. The other three pit Fiddy against an attack chopper. The idea is the same each time: grab an RPG and start shooting. I understand that Fiddy likes shooting helicopters out of the sky, but you can't let a superstar overpower common game development sense. Perhaps Swordfish included three chopper battles so that gamers wouldn't miss out on the horrendous sound effects, which can best be described as a machinegun slurring its own sounds because it's drunk.
Piling on to the issues are a number of bugs. The worst of these is an audio bug which mutes Fiddy's taunts. It seems to happen at random, but once it hits, the bug usually sticks until the next cut-scene. Robbing gamers of Fiddy's elegant barbs is a crime.
Verdict
50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is certain to settle the debate over whether or not games are art. But the debate over whether or not you should play this game is going to rage on through the rest of the year. Blood on the Sand isn't broken, but it is at times unimaginative. If Gears of War 2's mantra was "Bigger, badder, more bad ass," then BOTS's should have been "Fiddy, Fiddier, more fiddier." Instead it's just one five-hour "Fiddy." There's no mistaking that this is a fun game to play -- particularly with a buddy -- but it's in no way excellent. Though I'd love nothing more than for people to put some coin in Fiddy's piggy bank, I'd recommend renting rather than buying.
